Adoption FAQ

From our understanding, every Christian should be involved in adoption (the care of orphans) if able. Also, we are all adopted into God’s family. Adopting is a natural extension of our beliefs. We talked about it before we were married, and we’re finally in a stable place and feel able and ready. We already have 2 biological kids, and would be content with that if we had zero more children. For us, adoption isn’t filling a hole but an outpouring of God’s love. We feel equipped and called to adopt, and God has opened all the doors in that direction since we started this process almost a year ago.

We have considered that. Some agencies restrict the number of biological kids their adoptive families can have. Any more than 2, and it is a lot harder to find agencies willing to work with you. There’s also a limit many agencies place on the age of the parents. Toby is closer to that limit than Claire is to the projected end of fertility. So, for us, this is the most ideal time to adopt, to keep our options open for the future.

No. Not officially. It’s all in God’s hands, really, but we aren’t planning to be done having biological kids at this time.

No. As far as we know, neither of us has any fertility problems. We had 2 miscarriages before Willa, but there have been no further miscarriages since. Thanks for your concern! ❤️

An infant up to 1 year, but especially a newborn. We are open to any sex or race. It’s important to us to preserve birth order, so we will not be adopting an older child right now. We are also approved to adopt twins up to 1 year.

We aren’t considering international adoption at this time. Our agencies practice in Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, and Oklahoma, so that’s where we’re adopting from.

No. Only the expectant mother or birth mother can choose who will parent her child. We did our choosing when we filled out the questionnaire detailing what kind of child we are willing to adopt, and what kind of parents we are willing to adopt from.

We don’t know. It could be tomorrow, or next year, or in 5 years, or never. Our agency told us to expect 1-2 years.

These are women who are in desperate situations, or aren’t in a safe place to parent, or don’t feel ready for a child at this time. These are women who love their children, and in some cases do desire to parent them (but are unable, for a myriad of possible circumstances), and are doing what they feel is best for the child’s future. It’s not our place to judge her life choices; we are here to support her, love her, and graft her child into our family forever.

One was recommended to us by some friends. We did a lot of research on a lot of agencies, and we compared our values with the values of the agencies. The recommended one is licensed in Oklahoma, and we wanted to keep the door open for a local adoption. Of all the agencies we researched, only 2 shared enough of our specific values: the Oklahoma one, and an agency licensed in Nebraska, Iowa, and Illinois. Many agencies restrict you to only work with them, but these 2 allowed for us to work with someone else simultaneously. The decision was pretty easy!

It depends on the agency, but for us, it’ll be $30,000-$55,000. The agency fees are more like $30,000, and the rest depends on the mother’s insurance/medicaid. (We are expected to pay her pregnancy-related medical bills, if her insurance/medicaid does not.) Filing paperwork with the State is costly, and we will pay all adoption-related expenses of the birth mother. The Homestudy is less than $2000, and a lot of work. It is a lot of money, yes, but we paid nearly that minimum amount in hospital bills for the births of our other children, so it doesn’t feel that different. The only difference is insurance doesn’t cover adoption costs.

We have insurance through Samaritan Ministries, and they will reimburse us for the mother’s medical expenses. That will help, but the expenses are still ours and we can’t depend on them to cover it.

We set aside several thousand from the sale of our house this Summer. We’ve paid about $5000 already into the Homestudy and administrative fees. We’ve saved up to half of the expected costs. We have begun applying for grants. We will also have opportunities for people to donate to our Adoption Fund, but we aren’t counting on it.

The costs are spread out. The details vary per agency, but essentially we pay some when we start Waiting, some at Match with an expectant mother, some at Placement, and some at Finalization. (We have currently saved enough that we can pay the agency fees due at Match and Placement, but not Finalization, lawyer fees, or medical expenses.)

Yes, it’s much cheaper. We could pay all the fees associated with that from our current Adoption Fund. The agency provides many benefits to the mother before and after birth (counseling, help finding financial assistance, transportation to adoption-related appointments, and long-term emotional support), and provides security for both sides. With a private match (with a lawyer and no agency) there is little vetting of adoptive parents and of pregnant mothers, and scams are not uncommon. Many people have successfully adopted this way, but we have chosen to go through an agency, both for our safety and the mother’s well-being.

The expectant mother is just a mother. In this case, she’s a pregnant woman who has made (or is considering making) a plan for adoption. At any point during pregnancy, her plans can change. For a time after birth (it varies per State, but usually a couple days to a couple weeks) she can change her mind, even if the baby is living with us. Out of respect for her, she’s not a “birth mother” until she has actually given birth to that baby.

The agency meets with expectant mothers considering adoption and has them fill out a questionnaire regarding values and preferences about adoption. We have already filled out a similar questionnaire. The agency presents her with several families to choose from. For each family, she is shown a book of pictures (a Profile Book) and a letter. She may then choose one family, and that family is contacted. She and the family have been “matched.”

Placement is when the baby comes and lives with us. When the baby is born, the mother signs over custody to the adoption agency or lawyer. (This happens independent of her rights being terminated.) The agency then signs over physical custody to us. The agency retains legal custody after the birth mother’s rights are terminated. This stage is similar to foster care. A little more than that, since the baby is nearly certain to be adopted by us, but we do not have much control. For example, if we travel out of State (like to visit Claire’s parents), we need to let the agency know.

She does. It’s entirely voluntary. I think legally the agency sues her for termination of her rights, and she gives it up with no contest, but it won’t happen unless she has agreed prior to the court date.

Finalization cannot occur prior to 6 months post-placement, according to the law. Finalization is when the agency hands legal custody over to us. The baby is issued a new birth certificate with our names on it. The baby is our real son/daughter at this point, forever.

That depends on which agency we adopt through. Through Agency #1, we will have to wait 3-8 weeks before coming home. They are in Oklahoma, and we will legally be required to stay in the State until the birth mother’s rights are terminated (3-4 weeks) and probably another 3-4 weeks for the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (ICPC) to be worked out legally between Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska. Because the child isn’t legally ours, there are some treaties that need to be sorted through to allow us to cross State lines. God has already provided housing for all of us during that time, through friends-of-friends. We can stay there with the baby in our custody.

Through Agency #2, they practice in Nebraska, Iowa, and Illinois. The treaties are already worked out for counties that touch State lines, so we should be able to go home right away after placement. The mother’s rights are terminated a couple days after birth.

With any adoption, the time we would take custody can vary depending on the mother’s preferences (at the baby’s birth she is just a mother – no parental rights have been terminated, no official custody has been arranged). It is her baby, after all. Until the time when her rights can be terminated, she may choose to stay with the baby herself. She may even bring the baby home at first.

If we bring the baby home straight from the hospital, until her rights are terminated, she may take custody of her baby at any time. In Oklahoma, parental rights are terminated around 3 weeks. Before the court appointment is finished, even if we’ve had custody that whole time, she is fully within her rights to come get her baby.

Yes, it would. The time before termination of rights is called “at-risk placement” for this reason. We are allowed to place the baby in foster care for this time, but that isn’t in the best interest of the child.

One of our agencies told us that about 1 in 5 adoptions is disrupted. That is similar to the rate of known miscarriage.

Things can get complicated here. Complications are unlikely, though, and the agency will help us through them if they arise.

In some States there is a revocation period after termination, where either birth parent can change their mind and everything is reversed. After the revocation period is up, then if they change their minds and want to regain custody, they will have to prove coercion or fraud. Until finalization, the baby isn’t legally our full son/daughter so we would have to respect all chains of legal custody.

Sorry, probably not. The first 3 weeks, the mother still has full legal custody and per our agency we are not permitted to share photos on social media. After that (before finalization), we may, but the agency prefers if we don’t, so it’ll be very limited out of respect to the legal “parents” of the baby.

I’ll start with what Open Adoption isn’t. Open Adoption isn’t joint custody. It isn’t a chance that the birth mother will try to take her kid back. It has been well studied in the last 30 years. It isn’t confusing to the child, and it isn’t inherently risky. Open Adoption is simply maintaining some level of communication between 2 families for the sake of a child that connects them. This enables the child to get first-hand stories about their blood heritage, and about their adoption story. The relationship between the child and his birth mother is more like that of a family friend or aunt.

Yes! I have many. Here are a few of my top recommendations:

• Forever Mom, by Mary Ostyn (a good summary of what adoption looks like today)
• Adopted for Life, Russell Moore (an explanation of why we, as Christians, are adopting)
• Adoption is a Family Affair, by Patricia Irwin Johnston (an excellent primer on all the adoption stuff you probably haven’t heard of)

A Homestudy is when a certified official checks out our family to see if we’re a good fit for adoption. It entails home visits, interviews, lots of paperwork, background checks, and educational courses. For the Homestudy we had to do 15 hours of education and read 2 books, and for one of our agencies we had to do 13 more hours. We’ve also read many more books, but that wasn’t required.

It really depends on how many mothers come to the agency, and whether they choose us. There isn’t a numbered waiting list. The average wait is 1-3 years. There are a lot of families waiting for infants.

We are well-suited to adoption, and so we have taken steps in faith that it is God’s will for our family at this time. The ratio between babies and waiting families has little bearing on our decision.

Lots of prayer! We hope to match and adopt quickly, but we have zero control over that. If you wish to help us financially, our GoFundMe is here. It will be kept updated with the actual amount we still need, as we continue to save and (hopefully) receive grants.

Read the books listed above. Read more books, especially from the perspective of adoptees. Find videos online. Also, it costs nothing to contact agencies you’re curious about; they can send you cost sheets, details of the whole process (it’s a little different with each agency), and get you on the path. That’s what I did, while researching agencies. We even had a couple video/phone calls with representatives. Some have this information readily available through their website. We’d also love to talk with you about adoption, if you want.

It’s entirely possible, and we’d love to talk with you. If you email us at the address below, we can get to know each other a bit. If you think you want to place your baby with us, or with someone else, we can help you talk with the people at our agency. Our agency can give you some help and counseling, and assist you in making an adoption plan for your baby (even if you don’t choose us) all at no cost to you.